情商：为什么情商比智商更重要（第2版）

以上介绍的一些方法派上用场之时正是夫妇双方剑拔弩张、情绪高度唤起之际，因此，要在平时充分练习这些技巧，以便在需要的时候运用自如。这是因为情绪脑会按照过去愤怒和伤害时所获得的经验进行回应，过去的情绪经验具有主导作用。如果不熟悉积极有效的情绪回应，或者没有很好地练习，个体在情绪不安时要做出这种回应就会极为困难。如果经常练习，这种情绪回应就会逐渐变成自动反应，在出现情绪危机时就有可能发挥出来。因此，我们要对这些策略进行练习和预演，不仅用在压力没有那么大的时候，还要用在激烈争吵的时候，使其有机会成为情绪神经回路指令系统后天习得的第一反应（或者至少是第二反应）。

从根本上来说，这些婚姻的黏合剂是情绪智力提供的一项小小的补救性教育。

1. There are many ways to calculate the divorce rate, and the statistical means used will determine theoutcome. Some methods show the divorce rate peaking at around 50 percent and then dipping a bit.When divorces are calculated by the total number in a given year, the rate appears to have peaked in the1980s. But the statistics I cite here calculate not the number of divorces that occur in a given year, butrather the odds that a couple marrying in a given year will eventually have their marriage end indivorce. That statistic shows a climbing rate of divorce over the last century. For more detail: JohnGottman, What Predicts Divorce: The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes(Hillsdale, NJ:Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc., 1993).
2. The separate worlds of boys and girls: Eleanor Maccoby and C. N. Jacklin,“Gender Segregation inChildhood,” in H. Reese, ed., Advances in Child Development and Behavior (New York: AcademicPress, 1987).
3. Same-sex playmates: John Gottman, “Same and Cross Sex Friendship inYoung Children,” in J.Gottman and J. Parker, eds., Conversation of Friends (NewYork: Cambridge University Press, 1986).
4. This and the following summary of sex differences in socialization ofemotions are based on theexcellent review in Leslie R. Brody and Judith A. Hall,“Gender and Emotion,” in Michael Lewis andJeannette Haviland, eds., Handbook of Emotions (New York: Guilford Press, 1993).
5. Brody and Hall, “Gender and Emotion,” p. 456.
6. Girls and the arts of aggression: Robert B. Cairns and Beverley D. Cairns, Lifelines and Risks (NewYork: Cambridge University Press, 1994).
7. Brody and Hall, “Gender and Emotion,” p. 454.
8. The findings about gender differences in emotion are reviewed in Brody andHall, “Gender andEmotion.”
9. The importance of good communication for women was reported in MarkH. Davis and H. AlanOathout, “Maintenance of Satisfaction in RomanticRelationships: Empathy and RelationalCompetence,”J ournal of Personality and Social Psychology 53, 2 (1987), pp. 397-410.
10. The study of husbands’ and wives’ complaints: Robert J. Sternberg,“Triangulating Love,” inRobert Sternberg and Michael Barnes, eds., The Psychology of Love (New Haven: Yale UniversityPress, 1988).
11. Reading sad faces: The research is by Dr. Ruben C. Gur at the University ofPennsylvania Schoolof Medicine.
12. The exchange between Fred and Ingrid is from Gottman, What Predicts Divorce ,p. 84.
13. The marital research by John Gottman and colleagues at the Universityof Washington is describedin more detail in two books: John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Simon andSchuster, 1994), and WhatPredicts Divorce.
14. Stonewalling: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce .
15. Poisonous thoughts: Aaron Beck, Love Is Never Enough (New York: Harperand Row, 1988), pp.145-46.
16. Thoughts in troubled marriages: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce .
17. The distorted thinking of violent husbands is described in Amy Holtzworth-Munroe and GlennHutchinson, “Attributing Negative Intent to Wife Behavior:The Attributions of Maritally ViolentVersus Nonviolent Men,” Journal of Abnormal Psychology 102, 2 (1993), pp. 206-11. Thesuspiciousness of sexuallyaggressive men: Neil Malamuth and Lisa Brown, “Sexually AggressiveMen’sPerceptions of Women’s Communications,” Journal of Personality and Social Psycholog y 67(1994).
18. Battering husbands: There are three kinds of husbands who become violent:those who rarely do,those who do so impulsively when they get angered, andthose who do so in a cool, calculated manner.Therapy seems helpful only with thefirst two kinds. See Neil Jacobson et al., Clinical Handbook ofMarital Therapy (New York: Guilford Press, 1994).
19. Flooding: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce.
20. Husbands dislike squabbles: Robert Levenson et al., “The Influence of Age and Gender on Affect,Physiology, and Their Interrelations: A Study of Long-term Marriages,” Journal of Personality andSocial Psychology 67 (1994).
21. Flooding in husbands: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce .
22. Men stonewall, women criticize: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce .
23. “Wife Charged with Shooting Husband Over Football on TV,” The New York Times (Nov. 3,1993).
24. Productive marital fights: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce .
25. Lack of repair abilities in couples: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce .
26. The four steps that lead to “goodfights” are from Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail .
27. Monitoring pulse rate: Gottman, Ibid.
28. Catching automatic thoughts: Beck, Love Is Never Enough .
29. Mirroring: Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want (New York: HenryHolt, 1988).