情商：为什么情商比智商更重要（第2版）

幼儿园里，孩子们在打打闹闹。只有两岁半的马丁不小心碰到了一个小女孩，小女孩莫名其妙地大哭起来。马丁去抓她的手，但她哭着躲开了，马丁拍了一下她的手臂。

小女孩还在哭，马丁把脸转过去不看她，大声说：“不许哭！不许哭！”声音一次比一次急促，一次比一次响亮。

马丁想再拍她，她又一次反抗了。这时马丁好像咆哮的小狗那样露出牙齿，吓唬小女孩。

马丁再一次开始拍打小女孩的背部，不过拍打很快变成了捶打，马丁不管小女孩可怜的尖叫，一直重重地打她。

这令人不安的一幕证实了虐待——父母经常随心所欲地殴打孩子——如何扭曲了孩子同理心的自然倾向。^[11]马丁对小伙伴的困扰做出了近乎残忍的回应，他这种异乎寻常的举动是同类孩子的典型行为，他们从婴儿期开始就是殴打或其他身体虐待的受害者。马丁的反应与我们第七章介绍的幼儿同理心行为截然相反——幼儿通常会同情地恳求，并努力安慰哭泣的小伙伴。马丁在幼儿园对待困扰的暴力回应反映了他在家里得到的眼泪与痛苦的教训：哭泣首先会遇到专横的象征性安慰，如果继续哭泣，就会遭遇臭脸和咆哮，然后是拍打，乃至赤裸裸的殴打。最棘手的是，马丁似乎已经失去了原始的同理心，即停止攻击受伤者的本能，才两岁半的他表现出了残忍和虐待冲动的萌芽。

马丁的同理心被残忍取代，这在与他有相似经历的孩子身上很常见，他们在幼年时期就已经遭受家庭暴力，身心受到严重伤害。根据研究人员对幼儿园两个小时的观察，与马丁有类似行为的幼儿总共有9个，年龄从一岁到三岁。研究人员比较了遭受家庭暴力的幼儿与另外9个同样来自贫困、高压家庭，但没有受到身体暴力的孩子。在另一个孩子受伤或难过的时候，这两组幼儿的行为表现截然不同。在23个类似个案中，9个未受虐待的孩子当中有5个面对其他小朋友的困扰时表现出关心、悲伤或同理心。而在27个个案中，受虐待孩子本来应该有同样的关切表现，但他们没有一个表现出一丁点儿的关心，相反，他们对哭泣的小朋友表现出恐惧、愤怒，或者像马丁那样进行身体攻击。

比如有一个受虐小女孩对号啕大哭的小朋友表现出恶狠狠的威胁表情。

另一个被虐待的孩子——一岁的托马斯听到房间里有个小朋友在哭，吓得一动不动，他呆呆地坐着，一脸恐惧，背部直挺挺的，小朋友一直在哭，他也越来越紧张——好像在为自己受到攻击做好准备。而28个月大的凯特，也是被虐待的孩子，她的表现几近残忍：她挑中了比她小的宝宝乔伊，把他踢倒在地，乔伊躺在地上的时候，她温柔地看着他，开始轻轻地拍他的背，然后越拍越快，变成了捶打，一下比一下重，完全不管他的痛苦。凯特一直在打乔伊，最后发展到重重地打了他六七下，直到他爬走。

显然，这些孩子以自己被对待的方式来对待其他小朋友，他们的残酷无情正是被父母残忍虐待的孩子的一个极端表现。这些孩子往往还会对小伙伴受伤或哭泣漠不关心，他们似乎是被虐待孩子残忍和冷漠的极端代表。总体来说，这些孩子长大以后，更有可能存在认知困难，更加好斗，不受伙伴们的欢迎（不足为奇，他们学前的经历预示了他们的未来），更容易陷入抑郁，而且成年后更容易触犯法律和犯下暴力罪行。^[12]

同理心的缺失有时会（如果不是经常的话）代代相传，残暴的父母在童年期必然被他们的父母残暴对待过。这和那些常常表现出同理心的孩子截然相反，这些孩子的父母培育和鼓励孩子对他人表达关怀，并理解恶意行为对其他孩子的影响。由于没有经历过缺少同理心的情况，这些孩子似乎完全不知道这回事。

受虐幼儿最棘手的地方在于，他们就像是他们的暴力父母的缩影，很早就学会了残暴的回应方式。遭受身体暴力对他们来说是家常便饭，他们获得的情绪经验实在是太明显了。在这种情感爆发或危机来临的时刻，人脑边缘中枢的原始倾向处于统治地位。这时候情绪脑反复习得的习惯就会压倒一切，不管后果是好还是坏^[13]。

大脑本身可以被残暴塑造，也可以被爱塑造，这意味着童年为情绪经验奠定了基础。受虐儿童很早就遭受了持续的创伤。也许，理解受虐待儿童的情绪经验最有意义的价值在于，了解精神创伤怎样给大脑打下永久性的烙印，以及怎样消除这些野蛮的印记。

1. Leslie and the video game: Beverly Wilson and John Gottman, “Marital Conflict and Parenting:The Role of Negativity in Families,” in M. H. Bornstein,ed., Handbook of Parenting , vol. 4 (Hillsdale,NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum, 1994).
2. The research on emotions in the family was an extension of John Gottman’s marital studiesreviewed in Chapter 9. See Carole Hooven, Lynn Katz, and John Gottman, “The Family as a Meta-emotion Culture,” Cognition and Emotion (Spring 1994).
3. The benefits for children of having emotionally adept parents: Hooven, Katz,and Gottman, “TheFamily as a Meta-emotion Culture.”
4. Optimistic infants: T. Berry Brazelton, in the preface to Heart Start: The Emotional Foundations ofSchool Readiness (Arlington, VA: National Center forClinical Infant Programs, 1992).
5. Emotional predictors of school success: Heart Start.
6. Elements of school readiness: Heart Start , p. 7.
7. Infants and mothers: Heart Start , p. 9.
8. Damage from neglect: M. Erickson et al., “The Relationship Between Qualityof Attachment andBehavior Problems in Preschool in a High-Risk Sample,” inI. Betherton and E. Waters, eds.,Monographs of the Society of Research in Child Development 50, series no. 209.
9. Lasting lessons of first four years: Heart Start , p. 13.
10. The follow-up of aggressive children: L. R. Huesman, Leonard Eron, and Patty Warnicke-Yarmel,“Intellectual Function and Aggression, ”The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Jan. 1987).Similar findings were reported by Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess, in the September 1988 issue ofChild Development ,in their study of seventy-five children who were assessed at regular intervals since1956, when they were between seven and twelve years old.Alexander Thomas et al., “LongitudinalStudy of Negative Emotional States and Adjustments From Early Childhood Through Adolescence,”Child Development 59 (1988). A decade later the children who parents and teachers had said were themost aggressive in grade school were having the most emotional turmoil in late adolescence. Thesewere children (about twice as many boys as girls) who not only continually picked fights, but who alsowere belittling or openly hostile toward other children, and even toward their families and teachers.Their hostility was unchanged over the years; as adolescents they were having trouble getting alongwith classmates and with their families, and were in trouble at school. And,when contacted as adults,their difficulties ranged from tangles with the law to anxiety problems and depression.
11. Lack of empathy in abused children: The day-care observations and findings are reported in MaryMain and Carol George, “Responses of Abused and Disadvantaged Toddlers to Distress in Agemates:A Study in the Day-Care Setting,” Developmental Psychology 21, 3 (1985). The findings have beenrepeated with preschoolers as well: Bonnie Klimes-Dougan and Janet Kistner,“Physically AbusedPreschoolers’ Responses to Peers’ Distress,” Developmental Psychology 26 (1990).
12. Difficulties of abused children: Robert Emery, “Family Violence,” American Psychologist (Feb.1989).
13. Abuse over generations: Whether abused children grow up to be abusing parents is a point ofscientific debate. See, for example, Cathy Spatz Widom, “Child Abuse, Neglect and Adult Behavior,”American Journal of Orthopsychiatry (July1989).