发泄性欲的工具
下面的例子是关于一个病态自恋狂的感情生活的,是由他的心理治疗医师提供的。
他25岁,单身,很容易被遇到的女性迷住,并且会对她们产生强烈的幻想。但是和每个女人幽会几次后,他都会对她们大失所望,通常会突然发现她们要么呆头呆脑,要么依赖性太强,或者性生活不和谐。
比如,当他感觉自己圣诞节太孤独的时候,他就会竭力劝说自己刚认识不到几个星期的女友不要回家,来跟自己做伴。在遭到拒绝之后,他就会抨击她自私自利。然后一怒之下决定再也不理她了。
这位自恋狂对于权利的理解让他感觉一般的规则和禁忌对自己并没有什么约束力。我们在前面章节中也提到过,这意味着他认为只要一个女人引发了他的性欲,自己就有权利跟她发生关系,即使对方已经明确表示自己不愿意。无论如何他都会继续实施自己的想法,哪怕使用暴力。
大家应该还记得,缺乏同理心正是自恋者的典型特征之一。其他特征还包括对别人的利用和虚荣的自我主义。因此我们就不难理解自恋型男性为什么会赞同强迫性性行为,比如他们会说受害者“需要他”,或者认为一个女人拒绝性行为只是故作清高而已。[24]例如,美国的自恋型大学男生一般都认为,“如果一个女孩在约会中允许对方亲吻或者爱抚她,那么她被对方强奸也是活该,是她自己没能阻止事态的发展”。对于有些男人来说,这种想法明确合理化了“约会强奸”,也就是强行与那些和自己亲吻,但是并不想发生进一步关系的女孩发生性关系。
这种观点在一些人中间的流行也可以部分解释为什么在美国20%的女性都宣称自己曾经被迫发生过性行为,对方通常都是自己的配偶或者恋人,或者是自己当时的约会对象。[25]同样在全国范围内进行的调查发现被迫与自己的爱人发生性关系的女性的数量要比被陌生人强奸的女性的数量高出10倍。一项对约会强奸者的研究发现,这种强迫性性行为都是发生在两厢情愿的亲昵之后,这些强奸者只是忽视了对方对于拒绝发生进一步性关系的抗议。强迫性性行为甚至能够激发这些人的性欲,而大多数男性都会因为对方的抗议而失去兴趣。[26]
和大多数男人不同,自恋者非常喜欢观看那些描述夫妻在爱抚的时候,妻子想停下来,而丈夫不顾她的痛苦和厌恶继续自己行为的电影,而且这些情节还会大大激发他们的性欲。[27]在观看这种影片的时候,自恋者往往会忽略女性的痛苦,只关注于性侵犯者得到的自我满足。值得注意的是,这项研究还表明,自恋型男人并不喜欢那些只有强奸情节,而没有前戏和女性反抗的电影情节。
同理心的缺乏使得自恋者漠视他们给自己的约会对象带来的痛苦,他们根本无法了解自己的暴行使对方多么厌恶,更不要说同情对方的不幸了。事实上,一个男人的同理心越强,他实施强暴的可能性就越小,甚至关于强暴的性幻想都极少。[28]
在强迫性性行为中,还有一类是荷尔蒙在起作用。研究发现,过高的睾丸激素水平会使男人更容易把别人仅仅作为发泄自己性欲的工具。
在对4462名美国男子的睾丸激素进行研究后,科学家们发现睾丸激素水平很高的人往往存在危险性。[29]他们总体来说比较好斗,许多人都有过犯罪或者打架斗殴的经历。他们在婚姻中也同样危险,他们会经常摔东西、打妻子、发生婚外恋,因此婚姻出现危机或者离婚的几率也都比较高。男人体内的睾丸激素水平越高,可能带来的麻烦就越多。
另一方面,研究也指出,许多睾丸激素水平高的男人婚姻也非常美满。
研究者们认为,这些人婚姻是否能够幸福的关键就在于他们是否能够控制睾丸激素所引发的冲动。前额叶皮层控制着各类冲动,当然也包括性冲动和好斗冲动。这时就需要大路神经系统和它的理性能力来控制小路神经系统,比如说抑制自己原始的冲动力比多。
数年前,当我还是《纽约时报》的一名科学记者时,我曾经采访过一位专业从事连环杀手心理分析的FBI(美国联邦调查局)人员。他告诉我,连环杀手几乎都会实施极其残忍的性幻想,受害者的哀求甚至只会更加激发他们的欲望。事实上,有极少一部分人(谢天谢地,只有极少一部分人)会对强奸场景比对双方自愿场景的色情描写更感兴趣。[30]这种对别人痛苦的变态爱好是他们区别于绝大部分人的特征,因为即使是可能会实施约会强奸的自恋者也不会因为赤裸裸的强奸而引发自己的欲望。
这种同理心的完全丧失似乎可以解释连环强奸者为什么会对受害者的眼泪或者尖叫无动于衷。许多被判有罪的强奸犯事后都说他们当时不了解也丝毫不关心受害者的感受。其中有一半强奸犯还认为受害者当时“很愉快”,事实上他们的受害者都极度恐惧和厌恶,所以才把他们送进了监狱。[31]
一项对入狱的强奸犯进行的研究显示,大部分情况下他们是能够理解别人的感受的,但是有一个例外:他们对女人的消极情绪十分迟钝,尽管对她们的积极情绪还是能够理解的。[32]因此,尽管总体来说他们具有同理心,但是这些强奸犯似乎无法或者不愿接受能够阻碍自己的消极信号。他们同理心的丧失可能是有选择性的,他们会错误地理解自己不愿意看到的信号,比如说女人的拒绝或者痛苦等。
最危险的还是那些极度变态、喜欢进行“我和它”性幻想的人,这种人一般都会进监狱,比如连环强奸犯、有恋童癖或者裸露癖的人。一般来说,受虐或者被虐的性幻想比普通的色情场景更能引发他们的性欲。[33]
当然仅仅进行性幻想并不表示他一定会实施暴行。但是有些人,比如强奸犯,就会打破神经系统的阻力把思想付诸行动。
小路神经系统一旦突破了大路神经系统对冲动的约束,这些性幻想就会激发他们的残忍,肆无忌惮的力比多就会促使他们不断进行性侵犯。在这种情况下,性幻想成了一个危险的信号,特别是如果他们还缺乏同理心,认为受害人“很愉快”,敌视受害人,并且情感上孤单寂寞的话,情况就更糟了。[34]可以肯定地说,他们迟早是要惹麻烦的。
让我们来对比一下冷冰冰的“我和它”性行为和温馨的“我和你”的约会吧。爱情是建立在和谐的基础之上的,如果没有和谐就只剩下情欲了。
通过双向、和谐的同理心,对方成了“你”,这样会大大激发性欲。当一对恋人同时达到精神上的亲密和身体上的亲昵时,他们就会感到自己不再是孤立的一个人,他们所达到的也不再是“自我高潮”,而是身体和心灵的双重结合。[35]
但是,再甜蜜的缠绵也不一定能保证等到第二天醒来之后他们肯定会真正地关心对方。因为,毕竟关心和性产生的神经原理是不同的。
- On brain imaging while looking at a photo of the beloved, see H. A. Fisher et al., “Early StageIntense Romantic Love Activates Cortical-basal Ganglia Reward/ Motivation, Emotion, and AttentionSystems,” poster presentation at the Annual Meeting of the Society for Neuroscience, New Orleans,November 11, 2003.
- The two centers are the caudate nucleus and the septum.
- On casual sex, see Helen Fisher, Why We Love (New York: Henry Holt, 2004), p. 117.
- On attractive traits, see David Buss, “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preference: EvolutionaryHypotheses Tested in 37 Cultures,” Behavioral and Brain Sciences 12 (1989), pp. 1–49.
- On the sweat study, see Charles Wysocki, “Male Axillary Extracts Contain Pheromones that AffectPulsatile Secretion of Luteinizing Hormone and Mood in Women Recipients,” Biology ofReproduction 68 (2003), pp. 2107–13.
- On the hip-to-waist-to-bust ratio, see David Buss, “Sex Differences.”
- Devendra Singh, “Female Mate Value at a Glance: Relationship of Hip-to-Waist Ratio to Health,Fecundity, and Attractiveness,” Neuroendocrinology Letters, suppl. 4 (2002), pp. 81–91.
- The main areas activated during romantic love include the medial insula, the ACC, the caudatenucleus, and the putamen, all on both sides. These all light up during intense happiness. Just asimportant, portions of the cingulate gyrus and amygdala that activate during dysphoria weredeactivated. See Andrea Bartels and Semir Zeki, “The Neural Basis of Romantic Love,” NeuroReport17 (2000), pp. 3829–34.
- On sexual arousal and brain circuitry in men, see Serge Stoleru et al., “Neuroanatomical Correlatesof Visually Evoked Sexual Arousal in Human Males,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 28 (1999), pp. 1–21; S. L. Rauch et al., “Neural Activation During Sexual and Competitive Arousal in Healthy Men,”Psychiatry Research 91(1999), pp. 1–10.
- The neural wiring for sex includes structures in the higher limbic brain like the septal area, bednucleus of the stria terminalis, and preoptic areas, which connect through the anterior hypothalamus tothe medial forebrain bundle of the lateral hypothalamus. See Jaak Panksepp, Affective Neuroscience:The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions (New York: Oxford University Press, 1998).
- The aggression circuitry concentrates in the temporal lobes, an area more active in males; thecircuitry for tender nurturance, focused in the cingulate area, tends to be more active in women. Here,as everywhere in the brain, what happens depends on specifics: exactly how testosterone affects sexualdesire in women differs with the dose; moderate levels increase libido, while very high levels suppressit. See R. C. Gur et al., “Sex Differences in Regional Cerebral Glucose Metabolism During a RestingState,” Science 267 (1995), pp. 528–31.
- Dopamine raises testosterone levels, and so the class of antidepressants that raise dopamine levelsfrequently increase libido as well. See J. P. Heaton, “Central Neuropharmacological Agents andMechanisms in Erectile Dysfunction: The Role of Dopamine,” Neuroscience and BiobehavioralReviews 24 (2000), pp. 561–69.
- Vasopressin can also impel aggression. Vasopressin and oxytocin act in the brains of both menand women, the one possibly energizing the more assertive side of mothering in women, and the otherencouraging the gentler side of fatherhood in men.
- This simplified account of the neurochemistry of love draws on Panksepp, AffectiveNeuroscience. Panksepp notes that a far wider array of brain chemicals are at play in sexuality, most ofwhich are as yet little understood.
- On afterplay, see C. S. Carter, “Oxytocin and Sexual Behavior,” Neuroscience and BehavioralReviews 16 (1992), pp. 131–44.
- On the young lawyer and her fiancé, see Mark Epstein, Open to Desire (New York: Gotham,2005).
- Anne Rice talked about her sex fantasies in Katherine Ramsland, Roquelaure Reader: ACompanion to Anne Rice’s Erotica (New York: Plume, 1996).
- On common fantasy themes, see Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning, “Sex Fantasy,”Psychological Bulletin 117 (1995), pp. 469–96.
- Not all sex fantasies involve an elaborate scene; some are merely fleeting thoughts or images of aromantic or sexual activity. For a review of the current psychological consensus, see ibid.
- On fantasizing, see Sigmund Freud, “Creative Writers and Daydreaming,” in James Strachey, ed.,The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 9 (1908; London:Hogarth Press, 1962), p. 146.
- On Daydreams and lovemaking, see, for example, G. D. Wilson and R. J. Lang, “Sex Differencesin Sexual Fantasy Patterns,” Personality and Individual Differences 2(1981), pp. 343–46.
- But if the fantasy reality becomes imposed on the other, without their consent, then the I-Youevaporates into I-It sexuality: “it arouses me” rather than “you arouse me.” The etiquette for navigatingthis borderline between consent and imposition has apparently been well defined in the subculture ofbondage and discipline, where the very nature of the operative fantasies can all too easily stray intointerpersonal disaster.
- Michael J. Bader, The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2002), p.157.
- On narcissists and sexual attitudes, see Brad J. Bushman et al., “Narcissism, Sexual Refusal, andAggression: Testing a Narcissistic Reactance Model of Sexual Coercion,” Journal of Personality andSocial Psychology 48 (2003), pp. 1027–40.
- On women forced into coercive sex, see Edward O. Laumann et al., The Social Organization ofSexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994).
- E. J. Kanin, “Date Rapists: Differential Sexual Socialization and Relative Deprivation,”Archivesof Sexual Behavior 14 (1985), pp. 219–31.
- On coerced sex as a turn-on or a turn-off, see Bethany Lohr et al., “Sexual Arousal to Erotic andAggressive Stimuli in Sexually Coercive and Noncoercive Men,”Journal of Abnormal Psychology 106(1997), pp. 230–42.
- K. E. Dean and N. M. Malamuth, “Characteristics of Men Who Aggress Sexually and of MenWho Imagine Aggressing,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 72 (1997), pp. 449–55.
- On testosterone, see Alan Booth and James Dabbs, Jr., “Testosterone and Men’s Marriages,”Social Forces 72, no. 2 (1993), pp. 463–78.
- On arousal from depictions of rape, see G. Hall et al., “The Role of Sexual Arousal in SexuallyAggressive Behavior: a Meta-analysis,” Journal of Clinical and Consulting Psychology 61 (1993), pp.1091–95.
- On convicted rapists’ lack of empathy, see D. Scully, Understanding Sexual Violence (London:HarperCollinsAcademic, 1990).
- On rapists and negative messages, see E. C. McDonell and R. M. McFall, “Construct Validity ofTwo Heterosocial Perception Skill Measures for Assessing Rape Proclivity,” Violence and Victims 6(1991), pp. 17–30.
- Clinical evidence suggests that sex offenders masturbate regularly to fantasies of their preferredscenario. Some prisons for pedophiles, rapists, and exhibitionists try to lower the rate of repeat offensesafter release by offering treatment programs. For many decades the treatment centered on trying tochange the offender’s fantasies, through such means as pairing the sex scenario during masturbationwith a nauseating odor, or using hormone-blocking medications to extinguish the troubling desire. Buttoday those approaches alone are seen as insufficient without one that also enhances the offender’sempathy for their victims. So treatments can include having the offender meet real victims of crimeslike their own to listen to the pain and suffering the victims felt. The treatments also address theperpetrator’s distorted sense of how victims see them. Exhibitionists, for instance, are confronted withthe fact that women they expose themselves to typically see them as pathetic rather than as awesome.Therapy also attacks the distorted thinking that lets a perpetrator rationalize the crime as harmless. Onthe other hand, trying to suppress the dangerous fantasies can have a paradoxical effect: they mayincrease instead of decreasing, the more we try to avoid them. So in the more effective programsoffenders instead learn how to prevent a relapse by spotting the early stirrings of the dangerousfantasies and by nipping in the bud the habits that in the past had led them to act out those scenarios.See Leitenberg and Henning, “Sex Fantasy.”
- See, for example, Neil Malamuth, “Predictors of Naturalistic Sexual Aggression,” Journal ofPersonality and Social Psychology 50 (1986), pp. 953–62.
- On desire with empathy, see Judith Jordan, “Clarity in Connection: Empathic Knowing, Desire,and Sexuality,” in Women’s Growth in Diversity (New York: Guilford, 1997). On ego orgasm, see, forexample, Masud Khan, “Ego-Orgasm in Bisexual Love,” International Review of Psycho-analysis 1(1974), pp. 143–49.
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