人际交往的原型
一个母亲抱着她的婴儿,想要深情地亲吻他。看到母亲撅起嘴,婴儿也把嘴唇向前伸,但是脸上没有什么表情。
母亲微微一笑,婴儿也跟着张开双唇,微笑起来。这时母亲和婴儿都在微笑。
随即,婴儿的笑容像花儿般盛开在脸上,他不停地摇头晃脑,开心得不得了。
这个过程用了不到三秒钟。虽然整个过程动作和表情不多,但毫无疑问他们沟通了感情。这种最简单的交流叫作“原对话”,它是所有人际交往的原型,是最基本的沟通形式。
通过对上面原对话中母子两人身上的振荡器进行分析,人们发现,他们互动的开始、结束和停顿的时间都是一致的。[20]
这些“交谈”都是非语言性的,其中出现的语言只相当于背景音乐。[21]在原对话中,我们通过目光、触摸和语气与孩子进行交流。信息是通过微笑和咿咿呀呀的话语,特别是“母性语言”——孩子学说话时母亲们使用的语言——来传递的。
不管母亲们说的是汉语、乌尔都语还是英语,她们的母性语言都像唱歌一样,抑扬顿挫,韵律优美。母性语言听起来十分亲切、有趣。母性语言的声调非常高(准确来说,大约300赫兹),尖细抑扬。
在说母性语言的时候,母亲经常会有节奏地拍打或抚摩孩子,还会随着话语和拍打的节奏摇头晃脑。于是孩子也微笑着回应母亲,挥舞着小手,嘴里咿咿呀呀地说着什么。孩子对母亲做出回应的时间很短,只有几秒钟,甚至几微秒,然后他们就达到同样的状态,而且通常是愉快的状态。母亲和孩子就像在表演二重奏一样,呼吸相同或者互补,心率都在每分钟90下左右。
通过科学观察得出这样的结果并不容易,爱丁堡大学的发展心理学家克洛因·特里沃森和其他许多发展心理学家一样,认真观看了无数母子交流的录像带,经过枯燥的分析后才得出这样的结论。特里沃森也因此成为世界知名的原对话专家。就像他说的那样,原对话的双方“寻找心跳的和谐,合奏出悦耳的音乐”。[22]
当然,他们不只合奏出悦耳的音乐,还在对音乐的主旋律——情感进行交流。母亲的爱抚和声音使孩子感受到浓浓的爱意和安全感,也因此产生了一种特里沃森所说的“亲密的、无须语言表达的和谐关系”。
这种信息的交换在母子间形成了一个交流通道。由此通道我们可以使孩子快乐兴奋、平静安详或者心烦意乱、啼哭不止。在快乐的原对话中,母亲和孩子关系和谐,心情舒畅。但是,如果在交流中母亲或者孩子有一方没能领会对方的意思,那么结果就会大大不同了。比如,如果母亲对孩子的表情关注不够,或者情绪不热烈,孩子也会表现冷淡。如果母亲没有掌握好节奏,孩子就会感觉迷惑,然后变得沮丧。反过来,如果孩子没有对妈妈的表情做出适当的反应,母亲也会感到不安。
上面的研究对我们很有启发。原对话是孩子们学习如何与人交往的第一课。在我们还不知道什么是协调时,就学会了如何与他人达到情绪上的一致。原对话保留了最基本的交流形式,在我们与他人交流时悄悄地发挥着作用。这种小时候学到的本领将伴随我们终生,指导我们如何与人交往。
情感是我们儿时原对话的主题,也是成人沟通的基础。这种无声的交流是所有交往的基础,也是每次交流隐藏的主题。
- On the study of psychotherapy, see Stuart Ablon and Carl Marci, “Psychotherapy Process: TheMissing Link,” Psychological Bulletin 130 (2004), pp. 664–68; Carl Marci et al., “PhysiologicEvidence for the Interpersonal Role of Laughter During Psychotherapy,” Journal of Nervous andMental Disease 192 (2004), pp. 689–95.
- For the ingredients of rapport, see Linda Tickle-Degnan and Robert Rosenthal, “The Nature ofRapport and Its Nonverbal Correlates,” Psychological Inquiry1, no. 4 (1990), pp. 285–93.
- Frank J. Bernieri and John S. Gillis, “Judging Rapport,” in Judith A. Hall and Frank J. Bernieri,Interpersonal Sensitivity: Theory and Measurement (Mahwah, N.J.: Erlbaum, 2001).
- For rapport to bloom, full attention, positive feelings, and synchrony must arise in tandem. Aboxing bout involves close physical coordination without positivity. Likewise, a marital tiff involvesmutual attention and a bit of coordination devoid of affection. The combination of mutual attention andcoordination devoid of positive feeling is typical of strangers walking toward each other on a crowdedsidewalk: they can brush past without colliding while taking no interest in each other.
- On wincing and eye contact, see J. B. Bavelas et al., “I Show How You Feel: Motor Mimicry as aCommunicative Act,” Journal of Social and Personality Psychology 50 (1986), pp. 322–29. Likewise,to the degree that mutual focus becomes a joint absorption— as in an engrossing conversation—theentry of a third person will break the conversational spell.
- On negative feedback with positive expression, see Michael J. Newcombe and Neal M. Ashkanasy,“The Code of Affect and Affective Congruence in Perceptions of Leaders: An Experimental Study,”Leadership Quarterly 13 (2002), pp. 601–04.
- Systematic studies of tipping find that the biggest tips for what customers perceive as better servicecome in the evening. In one study, the best-tipped waitress earned an average of 17 percent of the bill,while the lowest earned 12 percent. Averaged over a year, that would amount to a substantial differencein income. See Michael Lynn and Tony Simons, “Predictors of Male and Female Servers’ Average TipEarnings,” Journal of Applied Social Psychology 30 (2000), pp. 241–52.
- On matching and rapport, see Tanya Chartrand and John Bargh, “The Chameleon Effect: ThePerception-Behavior Link and Social Behavior,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 76(1999), pp. 893–910.
- On faking mimicry, the study was done by a student of Frank Bernieri and was reported in MarkGreer, “The Science of Savoir Faire,” Monitor on Psychology, January 2005.
- On moving in synch, see Frank Bernieri and Robert Rosenthal, “Interpersonal Coordination:Behavior Matching and Interactional Synchrony,” in Robert Feldman and Bernard Rimé, Fundamentalsof Nonverbal Behavior (New York: Cambridge University Press, 1991).
- While strangers, even on a first meeting, can manage suitable nonverbal coordination, getting insynch heightens with familiarity. Old friends most readily fall into a smooth nonverbal duet, in partbecause they know each other well enough to adapt to personal quirks that might throw others off.
- On breathing during conversation, see David McFarland, “Respiratory Markers of ConversationalInteraction,” Journal of Speech, Language, and Hearing Research 44 (2001), pp. 128–45.
- On teacher-student rapport, see M. LaFrance, “Nonverbal Synchrony and Rapport: Analysis byCross-lag Panel Technique,” Social Psychology Quarterly 42 (1979), pp. 66–70; M. LaFrance and M.Broadbent, “Group Rapport: Posture Sharing as a Nonverbal Behavior,” in Martha Davis, ed.,Interaction Rhythms (New York: Human Sciences Press, 1982). The workings of this choreography cansometimes be counterintuitive; rapport actually feels stronger in a face-to-face interaction when themimicking looks as it does in a mirror—that is, when person A lifts a right arm in response to person Blifting his left.
- On the musicians’ brains in synchrony: E. Roy John, personal communication.
- On adaptive oscillators, see R. Port and T. Van Gelder, Mind as Motion: Explorations in theDynamics of Cognition (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 1995).
- On models for synchrony, see D. N. Lee, “Guiding Movements by Coupling Taus,” EcologicalPsychology 10 (1998), pp. 221–50.
- For an overview of the research, see Bernieri and Rosenthal, “Interpersonal Coordination.”
- This movement-to-speech synchrony can be extraordinarily subtle. For example, it is more likelyto occur early in “phonemic clauses,” the natural chunks of a sequence of syllables that are heldtogether as a single unit of pitch, rhythm, and loudness. (A speaker’s words fall into chains of suchclauses, each ending with a barely perceptible slowing of speech before the next one begins.) See ibid.
- On limb-to-limb synchrony, see Richard Schmidt, “Effects of Visual and Verbal Interaction onUnintended Interpersonal Coordination,” Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception andPerformance 31 (2005), pp. 62–79.
- Joseph Jaffe et al., “Rhythms of Dialogue in Infancy,” Monographs of the Society for Research inChild Development 66, ser. no. 264 (2001). At around four months babies shift their interest fromsomeone’s actions that are perfectly timed to their own to actions that are coordinated but imperfectlytimed with theirs—an indication that their inner oscillators are becoming able to better synchronizewith the timing. See G. Gergely and J. S. Watson, “Early SociolEmotional Development: ContingencyPerception and the Social Feedback Model,” in Philippe Rochat, ed., Early Social Cognition (Hillsdale,N.J.: Erlbaum, 1999).
- On mother-infant interaction, see Beatrice Beebe and Frank M. Lachmann, “Representation andInternalization in Infancy: Three Principles of Salience,” Psychoanalytic Psychology 11 (1994), pp.127–66.
- Colwyn Trevarthen, “The Self Born in Intersubjectivity: The Psychology of InfantCommunicating,” in Ulric Neisser, ed., The Perceived Self: Ecological and Interpersonal Sources ofSelf-knowledge (New York: Cambridge University Press, 1993), pp. 121–73.
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